I am not a particularly ambitious person. I don't exercise, I don't study and I barely keep the house clean enough to live in for myself, my roommate and various guests. Not that it varies much. We don't even need a guest book. I know how to entertain, how to cook, how to make a joke that will make the saddest blob fish smile (if it indeed could), but I am mainly without substance. I'm like the empty space in the atom. I may represent a lot of it, but I'm not really what makes it special. It's hard to think of how I am unique when I am so bland. I work enough to afford to survive, but I never really live. When I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was whatever I wanted at the time. I had no goals past what was for dinner and I had no ambitions past high school. It was sort of like a void of time and space that I could never really see myself getting past. I know it was a cliché, but I really didn't think of anything but suicide after school. When I was religious I was hoping that Jesus, with his great white stallion and the sword that always tended to be embedded in the back of his mouth, would come back and take everyone who believed in him. I wasn't going to heaven, but I welcomed my eternal punishment, or so as they said, in hell. I couldn't believe in someone that would forsake me simply because I wanted to do as I wished. Even when it differed from whatever that being was supposed to believe. Not that it mattered anyway. I always, as long as I remember, thought that this God was just a fiction that people used to make themselves less afraid of the eternal abyss that they were steadily moving towards. I welcomed it in my own way. I was always afraid of dying. Or, as St. Augustine said, although I'm sure there is a better quote somewhere, I was too bored to live, too afraid to die. I have since learned, to some extent, to quell my anxieties about death and resolution and to accept the inevitable blank that is to be me. I guess chemists would say that I will return to the earth. My carbon feeding organisms that would sustain the ecosystem and, indirectly, the universe for a time. I learned to cherish every moment of my life and to take nothing for granted. At least emotionally. They say that your childhood is the best time of your life. Maybe it was the best time of their lives, but that's mostly because they are nobodies living nowhere and serving no purpose. If they are to say that childhood is the best time because it's so carefree and responsible free they might as well say that it is the best time because life is not yet understood. Anything worth doing carries a certain amount of responsibility, a certain risk of failure. If it didn't, it wouldn't be worth doing. I learned to stretch out time as much as possible. I manipulated myself into being happy when I could because nothing was more important than time. Because, everything, according to those who gave that advice, wouldn't be as good as it was at that point. I always wanted to be younger than what I was. I figured the less I cared, knew, whatever, the longer I could keep my mirage going. After a while I no longer cared about being happy. I was happy for too long. I wanted to be sad. That had remarkable consequence.
I don't know too much about Natalie, I admit. I never met her, I've never seen her, I don't know her favorite color or her favorite food or how much she is at all on stage or in interviews. I'm afraid if she reads this she might think it creepy (although fat chance of THAT happening). But I do know she is doing what she wants. She has ambition and courage. Or maybe not. Maybe she just is doing whatever she thinks she wants to do and doesn't think much of everything else. I don't know. They say that whatever you do you think is normal and to everyone else it is unique. I'm not sure, though. It does have its limits. Men who have been into space will probably not think of it as mundane, but they do not go into space very often and probably only think it moderately normal when they are out there. I don't know if Natalie thinks anything similar to that. It would be interesting to find out, but if I knew that I wouldn't be attracted to anyone so far away from me. She seems nice, charming, enthusiastic, professional and warmhearted. Or maybe she's a steel cold bitch. I'd assume most of it is a projection anyway. It would be nice, though, to talk to her. Get to know her as a person. I bet 5 billion people want to do that, but I wouldn't want to do it just to say I met her or just to pick her brain or to find out what makes her tick or whatever. What I want to do is share a tofu dog or something and talk. Maybe go out and go to a park or whatever. I know it doesn't have to be Natalie, but I think it would be nice to do. Perhaps then I would know her for her and not some imagined, exaggerated image I think she is. Wish me luck.
I am attracted to Natalie Portman because she represents the things that I want in my life. I want to do something I love and I want to be successful at it. Not just successful, I want to do it with ease. I want to be the best. I know it's a common thing to think, but I hate half measures. And she certainly isn't a half in anything (except maybe her height). I love her professionalism, her decisiveness, her gusto. I know having someone with those traits doesn't really help me have them. I already tried it and it, sadly, doesn't work. I just don't know how to do it myself. How to live. How to enjoy life. I've been so busy prolonging what I have I haven't ever tried to make it count. Concentrate it like a fine cognac, distilled from large quantities of mediocre wine. And for many things I think I am too late to start. Natalie always knew what she wanted to be. She was motivated, serious, and never looked back. My childhood was spent trying to do as little as possible. I guess I am jealous. I don't really want to do nothing and yet I rarely have any motivation to do anything unless it is externally supplied. Maybe I should try to be more like Natalie. It would help if I weren't a 26 year old male. (NOW she thinks I'm a creep. I just know it) But anything that would separate us physically would be immaterial. Or it could be that I would just want to be able to hold something I perceive so precious close to me. Not Natalie, of course, she is herself and not what I think she is, but I think I long to at least experience on some level the sorts of things I fear I will never feel. The rainy afternoons running around like fools, just to tumble on the ground and lay there, drenched in rain water and sweat. Where the world shrinks from miles to meters and suddenly the universe is just as simple as I left it; as big and as safe as my backyard. It will pass too soon. It always does. But for that moment I will be happy, sharing something so precious, yet so unobtainable. It would truly be a gift beyond measure for anyone to share that with me.
Or it could be that she is so tiny. She's like toy sized. SO CUTE.
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